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I caught the bouquet at my friend’s wedding, which I find incredibly ironic considering that I don’t want to get married, and if I do get married I want to be as far away from traditional as possible.

I don’t want an all white gown. I want a gown in hues of bright colours. White was first worn by the Queen to save money for her country when she decided to marry. It has now become a symbol of virginity and happiness, which is funny because white use to mean sorrow and was worn at funerals until the day of the Queens marriage. As far as symbol of virginity, well lets be honest, I’m far from virgin and not at all ashamed.

I don’t want a veil. The veil was supposedly used to represent honor to the object or face, meaning that the wearer was pure and holy. In my opinion, that sounds like some incognito slut shame. It was also worn at funerals to represent mourning, so why was it adopted into wedding ceremonies? Maybe the bride had something to mourn. It grew as a tradition for women to wear them to the wedding. The purpose was because the groom did not know his bride.

Men from ALL religions use to buy daughters from their fathers to make them into wives; that is the unspoken truth of what marriage really is. This is why I don’t want my father to give me away. A father giving away his daughter at a wedding ceremony represented a contract; that the father approved of his decision to sell his daughter to this man. Women were property and marriage was a way to join families, not love or souls. This is also another reason a veil was used, as the groom usually didn’t see the bride, or brides, he bought until the wedding day. Please recall that I used wives, not wife, because men would buy many, many wives, not just one.

If I were to get married, we would most certainly NOT play Here Comes the Bride. That tune was actually meant to paint the picture of a mass murder! Bet you didn’t know that. The tune comes from the opera Lohengrin, where Bridal Chorus, aka Here Comes the Bride, is sung to Elsa and her new husband, Lohengrin, by the bridesmaids after the wedding, not before. And after that song, Lohengrin murders five wedding guests before abandoning Elsa.

I don’t want a preacher to wed us. I don’t want vows recited by religion. In the past, religion was the secret upholder of all the truths of traditional marriage. In the present, religion is the main reason our marriage laws still ask for a husband and a wife. What if Michael and I aren’t meant to be? I don’t like to think this way, but I must for a moment. What if I fall in love with a someone of the same gender, or third-gender or a gender identity that isn’t strictly male? Traditional marriage says I’m not allowed to marry them. I don’t want to be a part of a union that denies people of their rights, even if I were to marry a man. With that last statement, I vow to not get legally married until everyone has the same right to marry the person they love.

I absolutely refuse to have children, so any person who actually is crazy enough to put a ring on my finger will have to feel the same about children; no adoption, no birth. I have tocophobia, and I also have panic attacks when I’m around children who pay attention to me, and touch me, and ask a million questions; and my heart-rate is escalating just thinking about it so we will stop here. There are a lot more beautiful things that two human beings can accomplish than procreation.

I would rather elope, and/or change everything and make my own type of wedding. Maybe I’ll have a pirate wed us. Maybe I’ll wear red or blue. Maybe I’ll wear pants instead of a dress, or a prom dress since it’s cheaper. And I would definitely write the script and vows, with help from the other party of course.

Yea, I think I’ll definitely ask a pirate to wed us, on a ship, where the laws of the land won’t apply. And I will do this as soon as marriage laws are lgbt*q friendly.